The dictionary defines cheating in general as ‘to deceive by trickery, or swindle’. It goes on to say that to cheat is to ‘act dishonestly, or violate rules deliberately’.

Cheating in a relationship cannot be defined in absolute terms. It really depends on what the couple, two people in a partnership or marriage, agree is appropriate, or inappropriate behaviour.

Problems mainly arise because of a lack of communication. Many couples rarely talk about cheating, and when they do, it is usually not about what their expectations are, and what they feel is intolerable. These issues may arise only after an unspoken ‘rule’ is broken by one or the other.

That is when the room for error is allowed; you can’t break a rule you didn’t know existed– or can you? Some partners may very well try to use that to their advantage, which is why talking it out with your mate before a problem arises, is critical. Open lines for communication will not only breed a healthy relationship, it will also allow you to avoid the pitfalls of not knowing what was out of bounds until after the line was crossed.

Problems arise when the two people involved have very different concepts of what fidelity and cheating mean in the relationship. For instance, a more conservative person may define kissing another person on the lips as cheating.

The other partner may consider that sex outside the relationship is okay as long as no ‘serious’ involvement with another person is contemplated.

Clearly, no matter what the chemistry or common interests, this relationship will not last long. For the first person, certain actions, regardless of intention, are infidelity. For the second person, the intention of the involvement with another person is what matters.

The range of actions which are considered unacceptable contact with someone outside the relationship are broad and variable.For some couples, the issue is trust. When there is absolute trust, there is no need to try to regulate or ‘control’ what the partner does. However, the traumatic experiences of many people show such absolute trust is often unwarranted.

Does it have to end in tears and recriminations?

When one partner betrays the expectations of the other of what is acceptable in the relationship, the other will most likely feel hurt, misled, angry, deceived, cheated, or a host of other negative emotions.

Their feelings, influenced by what they have suffered in the past, will influence their reactions more than logic. It is one thing to say, “let it go, forget about it”; quite another to actually forgive and/ or forget.

The broader a person’s definition of cheating, the more potential for suffering. The list of actions which cause emotional suffering for someone in a shaky or dishonest relationship may be endless.

For example, some people feel it is improper for their partner to talk about sexual topics with someone else, to deny or hide the fact that he or she is in a relationship, to develop a crush on someone new, to masturbate– especially while thinking of another lover, or to use pornography. More recently, the issue is complicated by the availability of virtual sex or an online affair on the internet.

For some people, emotional infidelity is cheating. For instance, I knew a married woman who used to get drunk and tell a sequence of men that “when my husband dies, I’ll marry you.” She didn’t have sex with any of them. Some people would call this emotional infidelity and would pity her long-suffering partner.

The list could be endless, but no matter what the act or how you define cheating, the result is always the same; the other person will end up feeling rejected and abandoned. If a person persists in staying in such a relationship, he or she is only reinforcing low self-esteem.

With that said, before getting caught up in the many ‘signs’ of cheating, it is important to realise that everyone is different and no one action necessarily brands a partner as unfaithful.

Make sure you talk to your mate about the relationship boundaries, and discuss what you each feel is or is not appropriate. This way you have a clear-cut view on how your partner feels, and can avoid either hurting them unintentionally on the one hand, or suffering false accusations that may lead to more mistrust.